Mercedes Corby on the cover of Ralph (which means to vomit). No airbrushes were used in the making of Mercedes' beauty...

You remember Mercedes Corby, right? She’s the elegant, graceful sister of Australia’s former-favourite marijuana smuggler, Schapelle (who is, herself, very elegant and graceful). And now, her elegance and grace have been noticed and smeared all over the front of the tasteful gentleman’s magazine, Ralph.
Smeared, readers.

If you need a bit of reminding, Mercedes is the Corby moll young lady who fought desperately to expound her sister Schapelle’s innocence during her trial… mainly by yelling racist obscenities and whinging to the Australian press.

But that was before she started doing the rounds of paid interviews, benefiting from her sister’s incarceration in Bali for smuggling counterfeit boogie-boards.

Then her friend, Jodie Powers did an interview with the network that couldn’t pay the Corbys enough for interviews, revealing that they had all been heavily involved in the counterfeit boogie-board racket for years, even go so far as to produce pictures of Schapelle and Mercedes smoking the illicit boogie-boards.

Of course, the price fetched for counterfeit boogie-boards in Bali is a lot lower to the price you can get for them in Australia, raising questions about the intelligence of the Corby cartel. Questions which can be answered by simply spending a bit of time looking over the interviews and media footage of the eloquent Gold Coast family.

You can’t just become a hairdresser. It takes years to be qualified, otherwise you’d see heaps of teenage girls doing it.

The family home, Corbywood on the Gold Coast with a few spare counterfeit boogie boards lying around...

The Corbys family caravan home on the Gold Coast is a testament to the traditional, Aussie, boogie-board smuggling way of life.

The young (and beautiful) Corby sisters would play in the grounds of the caravan park estate, learning how to smuggle boogie-boards by practicing with their barbie dolls (whom they also practiced their hairdressing on).

After a few years, their proud parents were watching them grow up into BEAUTIFUL young boogie-board smugglers with enough grace and elegance to be on the cover of such prestigious publications as Ralph Magazine… And shows like Today / Tonight.

The undeniable beauty of the graceful Corby women. You just try denying it...

The morbidly obese Australian is certainly not to blame for their massive, disgustingness. It was McDonalds that made them do it...

A recent study by UPI revealed that Australia is the fattest country in the world, prompting the Federal Government to run a huge advertising campaign educating Australians about the size of their arses under the banner of “National Health”. This is because obesity is bad for you.

So in order to stay nice and consistent in their public health message, the Federal Government has been asked by “health experts” to review the average seating capacity requirements for public buses – currently the seating requirement is for 65kg for an average person – the “experts” would like it revised up to 72kg per person because Australians are so disgustingly fat.

Remember that these averages are taking into account the fact that school children are a large percentage of any bus’s passengers, which (in any ordinary sized country) would bring the average down quite a bit. Unfortunately in Australia now, the average school child weighs more than 3000kg.

This is obviously not the child’s fault – and is CERTAINLY not the parents’ fault, it’s the malicious fast-food corporations that go around physically forcing food down these fatties’ mouths, as well as drugging them with “date-rape” drugs and filling up their stomachs while they’re unconscious.

The new Lard Bus that will be used for fatty transport without offending them at all... Joe Hockey didn't really say that - his mouth was full...

Whoever’s responsible, we can’t stress enough that it is NOT THE INDIVIDUAL WHO ATE TOO MUCH.

A recent, similar finding in the Canadian supreme court found that since the fatties weren’t responsible for their own fatness, they were entitled to an extra plane seat on all flights in Canada, free of charge, which seems to be the way that the politically-correct world is moving on this kind of thing.

So just to make everything clear:
-If you’re fat because you’ve eaten too much, it’s not your fault.
-The Government wants to stop us from being too fat with television-awareness campaigns because “health experts” told them its not healthy.
-”Health experts” want the government to increase seating allowances on public transport so it is better for fatties.
-People of average or less-than-average weight get nothing except more fatties taking up their room and breathing wheezing masses of their oxygen.

Have you got that?

Baz Luhrmann uses the next 10 years of Australian film finance to create a display platform for Nicole Kidman's forehead...

Finally a film has been made that tells the real story of our wide, brown land.
Not many people really know about the Australian cowboys who all carried Winchester rifles and said “crikey” all day whilst being “mates” with the local Aborigines; or about the invasion of Darwin by 16 million Japanese fighter-planes (which were also bombers); or the fact that our REAL national anthem was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” until 1988.

Thankfully, Australia’s most prolific, creative and talented cocaine snorter director has been given $140 million to set the story straight on our fair nation once and for all, by making a “romantic epic” aimed squarely at American audiences who are staying away from it in droves.

Along with the $140 million for the BRILLIANT financial black-hole film, the Australian Government (in it’s infinite cinematic wisdom) has thrown Baz an extra $40 million to make a few ads for Tourism Australia.

Surprisingly, they’re exactly as crap as all of his films have been, selling a ridiculous, stereotypical version of Australia to people who don’t want to sit on a plane for 20 hours.

16 million Mitsubishi Zeros invading Darwin Harbour during Warld War II. All of this really happened...

Sorry, we meant to say they “invested” in our countries future with a “blue chip” stock named Baz Luhrmann, whose 3 films have grossed about $360 million worldwide… Now if that’s not justification for giving him nearly $200 million, we don’t know what is.

Oh wait, yes we do… Nicole Kidman’s in the film as well.
For those of you who don’t remember Our Nicole, she was married to Tom Cruise for a while and her films used to make money (when she was still a freckly redhead). Thankfully, though, over the last 10 years she has become the LEAST BANKABLE STAR in Hollywood, adding to the massive financial risk that this steaming pile of crap has become.

But then, Australians certainly love to gamble.