The poor, attention deprived emos have to turn to cutting themselves because their parents are to busy to look at their MySpace pages...

Nobody could possibly understand the pain that emo cutters endure on a daily basis. Not you, not us, not Jebus.

Despite this, recently released figures show a sharp increase in the number of Australian girls aged between 13 and 19 who are admitted to hospital for “overdoses, slashed limbs and other forms of self-harm”.

So you’d have to assume that the actual suicide rate for the demographic would have gone up too, right? Well, no actually. The suicide rate has fallen in Australia for young girls every year for the last 10 years.

Head of Monash University’s Centre for Developmental Psychiatry, Bruce Tonge (piercing) told SMH that “Self harm is a cry for help, a communication where other communications have failed.”

Communication, people. For depressed a teenager whom nobody understands, that translates as MySpace.

Another victim (and perpetrator) of self-harm tries to grab the attention of her parents...

So when MySpace is down, or teenage girls are unable to customise their page into satisfactorily depressing (and unique) colours, society fails them and they turn to the razor.

Let’s face it, Australia, who’s going to read all the MySpace pages if we don’t have self-harming teenage emos doing it?

Not us, that’s for sure…

Peter Costello uses Australian Parliamant and media to drum up interest in his book. David Hicks isn't allowed to...

So unless you haven’t seen the news in the last few weeks, Peter Costello is selling a book.

You can tell when an Australian politician is selling a book because they use our Political System and media outlets to drum up interest and potential sales revenue.

While some of you may think that sort of thing as corrupt, we’d just like to remind you about David Hicks.

He was the Australian citizen that was left in an illegal, foreign prison for 6 years before being told that when he finally did get out, he wouldn’t be allowed to make a single cent out of “telling his story”.

Tony Abbott takes of his clothes in support of Peter Costello at the annual Abbott & Costello Off for 2008...

This is because we have legislation in this country known as “Proceeds of Crime” where someone is not allowed to profit from criminal activity. Apparently in the Hicks case, this also includes crimes that don’t exist in Australia and didn’t exists in the U.S. when he allegedly committed them.

But if you’re an incompetent Australian Treasurer for 11 years, known for selling off most of our national assets and encouraging the population to mortgage themselves to the eyeballs, then you can sell your book and use uncertainty about your political career to drum up some free publicity.

Sorry, did we say free? We meant to say tax-payer-funded publicity.
That’s the same tax that has been paying Papa Smirk’s $300,000+ salary for the past 12 years.

You sure wouldn’t want to live in one of those corrupt countries!

Sydney single-mother abandons her child but keeps collecting benefits...

The Australian Government’s “baby bonus” has been controversial from the very get-go.

Flawlessly researched shows like Today/Tonight and A Current Affair have consistently demonstrated that if you have a baby out of wedlock, you are a complete bludger, praying on the hard-earned tax dollars of the honest Aussie Battler.

This week at Pittwater in Sydney’s north, this heart-breaking cycle has repeated itself once again with a teenage humpback whale abandoning her defenceless calf after receiving her baby bonus.

Undoubtedly, the money will be used for buying a plasma TV or heroin, which just goes to show that Anna Coren and Tracey Grimshaw are always right and we are all just stupid not take their word as PURE FACT… like the bible.

Another bludging mum buys a plasma TV with the baby bonus...

While we don’t have any proof, it seems pretty clear to us here at MIKETRON that this teenage mother most likely threw her child overboard into Pittwater before abandoning it. She’s probably a queue-jumping asylum-seeker as well…