Baz Luhrmann uses the next 10 years of Australian film finance to create a display platform for Nicole Kidman's forehead...

Finally a film has been made that tells the real story of our wide, brown land.
Not many people really know about the Australian cowboys who all carried Winchester rifles and said “crikey” all day whilst being “mates” with the local Aborigines; or about the invasion of Darwin by 16 million Japanese fighter-planes (which were also bombers); or the fact that our REAL national anthem was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” until 1988.

Thankfully, Australia’s most prolific, creative and talented cocaine snorter director has been given $140 million to set the story straight on our fair nation once and for all, by making a “romantic epic” aimed squarely at American audiences who are staying away from it in droves.

Along with the $140 million for the BRILLIANT financial black-hole film, the Australian Government (in it’s infinite cinematic wisdom) has thrown Baz an extra $40 million to make a few ads for Tourism Australia.

Surprisingly, they’re exactly as crap as all of his films have been, selling a ridiculous, stereotypical version of Australia to people who don’t want to sit on a plane for 20 hours.

16 million Mitsubishi Zeros invading Darwin Harbour during Warld War II. All of this really happened...

Sorry, we meant to say they “invested” in our countries future with a “blue chip” stock named Baz Luhrmann, whose 3 films have grossed about $360 million worldwide… Now if that’s not justification for giving him nearly $200 million, we don’t know what is.

Oh wait, yes we do… Nicole Kidman’s in the film as well.
For those of you who don’t remember Our Nicole, she was married to Tom Cruise for a while and her films used to make money (when she was still a freckly redhead). Thankfully, though, over the last 10 years she has become the LEAST BANKABLE STAR in Hollywood, adding to the massive financial risk that this steaming pile of crap has become.

But then, Australians certainly love to gamble.

Our Nicole has always had a widescreen forehead... Even when everyone else's was just standard 3 x 4 letterbox...

People say that she’s not a natural widescreen and that she was born in standard 4 by 3 letterbox format…

But Australia knows that she would never lie to us (or sue anybody) and that her forehead is naturally 16 by 9 widescreen format, not to mention BEAUTIFUL.

By the way she OURS and you can’t have her.

Unless you pay money.

The "smiling" Bali Bomber, Amrozi, came in second to Sonny Bill Williams because he "did something that no Aussie should do" and stopped playing Rugby League...

Charles Darwin was wrong.

Natural selection has been proven to be incorrect, once and for all.

The fact is, if evolutionary processes were at work that forced the extinction of weaker, less-adapted species, then there simply could not be an audience for magazines like “Zoo Weekly”.

And if you need further proof than our word (as if!), then take a look at the list of “50 most hated people in the world” that Zoo published this week.

The list includes numerous convicted paedophiles, rightfully despised celebrities and known mass-murderers.

Making the list at number 2 the “smiling” Bali Bomber, Amrozi, was hardly a surprise for a list in any right-wing Australian silicon pamphlet. These are the people who watch A Current Affair or Today/Tonight, remember…

So you, like us, may be just a little surprised to find out that the number one person on the People Zoo Weekly Hates The Most list is Sonny Bill Williams.

To explain, the decision, Zoo editor Paul Merrill told AAP that “Sonny Bill is someone who did something no Australian should do, he ditched his teammates and walked out… We’re calling him Money Bill Williams for scarpering off to another continent just for the cash.”

Some of the other, slightly more justified names on the "50 Most Hated" list...

While Sonny Bill seems to be a piece of crap for doing this, other famous Australians like Nicole Kidman, Baz Luhrmann, Hugh Jackman, Greg Norman, The Irwin Family, The Wiggles, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue, Jet and many more of our “best and brightest” seem to have done the exact same thing… And if we’re not mistaken, these people are talked about with “national pride” and “admiration” – even in toilet paper like Zoo Weekly.

Basically, if you tell people you “read” this magazine, we think its probably time you cut that out and demonstrated your support for Zoo by continuously slamming your head into a brick wall while you flick through the glossy pages and masterbate.

They’ll get the point…

Terri "longhorn" Irwin twists the arm of a newborn baby in memory of her husband, Steve...

Australia’s favourite American, Terri Irwin has lost a battle in the Queensland Land Court to stop Cape Alumina from mining bauxite on land that her family property company owns in FNQ.

Sorry, did we say that the family OWNS it? We meant to say that it was purchased by the family corporation, Silverback Properties, with $6.3 million donated by the Federal Government after the death of our greatest national hero ever, Terri’s crocodile molesting husband, Steve.

Steve Irwin was that chap who, like Keith Urban, was un-cared for by Australian audiences until we realised that the Americans thought he was fantastic, at which point we started calling him a “national hero” and lining up to agree with our cultural and military masters over what a fantastic and entertaining bloke he was.

Known as brilliant, scientifically minded conservationists, the Irwins have fought long and hard to keep indigenous people off land that can be “conserved” for raising cattle.

Cattle farming, you’ll remember, is the reason for about 60% of land clearing that has happened in North Queensland for the past 100 years and pretty much 100% of the reason for the species destroying soil-salinity that occurs all over the area.

The really funny thing here is that Cape Alumina, a land-raping mining organisation have carried out environmental and cultural impact studies for the last 3 years on the site. Any time a mining company wants to dig a big hole in the middle of a rain forest, people tend to make them prove they’ll be careful about it.

Terri Irwin's re-drawn Queensland map is a beautiful tribute to her late husband... The area in red will be the new fence "protecting" Terri's investment. The area in blue will be where all Queensland residents are forced to live in special Conservation Camps.

The Irwins, meanwhile, have not produced any environmental study for the massively expanded cattle farming operations that they have planned (including over 100KM of fencing). They probably just haven’t made the studies because they need to save money – money supplied for the project by our taxes.

Let’s face it, Steve was such a national hero and brilliant conservationist that we can all just believe his completely trustworthy widow when she says she will do everything ethically and honestly.

Like how honest she was about her off-shore tax scams last year and her well-thought-out analysis that Australia is being invaded by U.S. culture and terminolgy, which Terri believes is a tragedy for her beloved Aussie culture.

Terri was born in Oregon in the United States.

We here at MIKETRON think its time Australia just woke up to itself and handed Terri the keys to our entire continent and a blank cheque from the Government coffers.

Anyone who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars out of exploiting their child and dead husband can’t be morally questionable, can they?

We did what we did before Cheney came to town...

For the second time in as many years, the Australian Government has decided to “further investigate” rapper Snoop Dogg’s criminal history before an upcoming tour. Last year the powers-that-were decided that having prior firearms-possession and drugs charges made the star “undesirable” in our fair land.

This was after the expert assessment of John W. Howard and, then Immigration Minister, Kevin Andrews. Those would be the same two chaps who approved Dick Cheney’s visitor visa 2 months prior to rejecting Snoop’s.

Oh, they would also be the same two men who actually changed the NSW gun laws in a late-night parliament sitting so that Cheney’s bodyguards could walk around our streets carrying concealed, fully-automatic weapons.

For those of you that don’t remember him, Dick Cheney is the former CEO of Halliburton, the US Vice President who has presided over two brilliantly executed annexations of other sovereign nations, as well as – lets not forget – the guy who shot his friend in the face on a hunting trip.

Snoop Dogg denied Australian visa due to previous criminal history...

Snoop Dogg, meanwhile is a point of contention among white-christian Australian politicians due to his lyrics, “gangster” persona and known marijuana advocacy.

What-on-earth would we do if our private-school children started turning out like this guy? I mean, really?

Where as, if our children turn out to be cardiomyopic, money-hungry war-mongers then we’ll have a bright future ahead of our country for a long time.

Maybe we could have Cheney blow Snoop away at the airport and just dismiss it as “necessary for the War of Terror”…

When animals are sick, we put them out of their misery because it's the humane thing to do...

Though it saddened nearly every North Shore housewife with an expertise in wildlife management in Sydney, the baby whale that was abandoned by its mum in Pittwater earlier this week has been put to sleep by veterinarians.

When an animal becomes to sick or weak to go on living without assistance or constant pain, we tend to do the decent, humane thing and put the creature out of its misery so it doesn’t have to go on suffering.

Most of the time, the animal doesn’t know what’s going on and will fight for its life right to the very end, saddening everyone who witnesses its demise and bringing up numerous moral and ethical questions in the process.

So even though nobody likes to make the decision, in the long term it’s often best for both the animal and the audience to just let them go.

But not humans.

We’ll allow ourselves to go through an incredible amount of suffering and agony with no thought of cashing in our chips because its not “the right thing to do”.

Vote yes on Newtonasia if you want to stop the suffering...

Well, we think that’s a load of crap when you consider how sometimes ending a life can stop a slow, painful descent to oblivion.

So we’re starting the Legalise Newtonasia campaign to spread awareness of the issues and make people realise how much of their own torturous suffering they could avoid by simply voting yes on the Newtonasia bill.

If we can all band together to put a humane stop to this horrendous case, we can hold our heads high knowing that our society deemed it the kindest thing to do.