Just because he made a few million dollars out of Bird Flu doesn't mean he's not an honest, ethical person...

This is a real and serious disease, just ask Rummy.

And just in case you thought that was an “ethical faux pas”, check out Rummy’s real estate.

K.Rudd meets B.Obama in his own pants. Obama seems to think Kev is a pretty cute little fella...

In the TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE and in-no-way-forseeable financial crisis that has struck our western world down like a black plague epidemic, there are few heroes.

Luckily (for all of us), one of those heroes is the Honourable K. Rudd P.M Esquire.

By simply meeting with the new arse to kiss in Washington the President of the United States of Texas, Kev was able to avert the current financial crisis and garantee that it will never happen again.

In order to stop himself using too many acronyms during their meeting, our over-generous and glorious leader took full responsibility for the financial crisis… blending all of his acronyms nicely into one easy-to-remember version.

KFC: Kevin's Financial Crisis acronym cuts through all the politico-speak...

PETA celebrities really know their stuff. Shown are some of the celebrity molls who think they know more than scientists or farmers...

South Korean manufacturing giant, Kukdong has joined a growing list of retailers and manufacturers who refuse to use Australian wool because the animal molestation rights group PETA use celebrities in their campaign against the practise of Mulesing.

So now the companies that believe celebrities and hysterical hippie activists over farmers and scientists are: Nike, Gap, Marks & Spence, Hugo Boss, Abercrombie & Fitch, Timberland, H&M, American Eagle, Columbia Sports Wear and Liz Claiborne.

PETA’s brilliant campaign website, http://www.savethesheep.com has all sorts of fabulous pictures pointing out the cruelty of the Australian wool industry for both it’s live-export trade as well as the mulesing business. Mulesing is the process which farmers use to protect their sheep from fly-strike, involving cutting folds of skin away from the sheeps bum-hole.

PETA says that mulesing is cruel. They even program celebrities, desperate to publicise themselves, to say the same thing.

Fly-strike is a problem with sheep in Australia where blowflies feed on the poo stuck to the sheeps bum, eventually causing a massive, open sore and infection which the flies also eat and lay their eggs in. A sheep can take 2-6 months to die an excruciating death from fly-strike, where their infected wounds basically become deeper and more infected until the animal slowly dies.

If you’d care to read through PETA’s brilliant and informative http://www.savethesheep.com website, you’ll notice it conspicuously avoids suggesting an alternative to mulesing, other than “breeding new types of sheep, increased monitoring and blowfly control”. Sounds pretty well thought out, right?

So rather than be cruel and cut the animals once with sharpened instruments, the “animal rights activists” would rather let Australian sheep die the incredibly painful and slow death that fly-strike causes.

It’s not like a bunch of hysterical, hippie activists to sensationalise a “struggle” without thinking it through or coming up with viable alternatives.

Baz Luhrmann uses the next 10 years of Australian film finance to create a display platform for Nicole Kidman's forehead...

Finally a film has been made that tells the real story of our wide, brown land.
Not many people really know about the Australian cowboys who all carried Winchester rifles and said “crikey” all day whilst being “mates” with the local Aborigines; or about the invasion of Darwin by 16 million Japanese fighter-planes (which were also bombers); or the fact that our REAL national anthem was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” until 1988.

Thankfully, Australia’s most prolific, creative and talented cocaine snorter director has been given $140 million to set the story straight on our fair nation once and for all, by making a “romantic epic” aimed squarely at American audiences who are staying away from it in droves.

Along with the $140 million for the BRILLIANT financial black-hole film, the Australian Government (in it’s infinite cinematic wisdom) has thrown Baz an extra $40 million to make a few ads for Tourism Australia.

Surprisingly, they’re exactly as crap as all of his films have been, selling a ridiculous, stereotypical version of Australia to people who don’t want to sit on a plane for 20 hours.

16 million Mitsubishi Zeros invading Darwin Harbour during Warld War II. All of this really happened...

Sorry, we meant to say they “invested” in our countries future with a “blue chip” stock named Baz Luhrmann, whose 3 films have grossed about $360 million worldwide… Now if that’s not justification for giving him nearly $200 million, we don’t know what is.

Oh wait, yes we do… Nicole Kidman’s in the film as well.
For those of you who don’t remember Our Nicole, she was married to Tom Cruise for a while and her films used to make money (when she was still a freckly redhead). Thankfully, though, over the last 10 years she has become the LEAST BANKABLE STAR in Hollywood, adding to the massive financial risk that this steaming pile of crap has become.

But then, Australians certainly love to gamble.

The best of Australia's Social Problems are on display at the Spring Carnival...

It’s that time of year again.

On the first Tuesday of every November, Australians make a point of demonstrating their love for gambling, drinking and increasing personal debt… Not to mention being complete molls.

Forget the financial crisis that has taken up our entire national media output for the past 3 weeks and stop all the talk about “learning lessons” from it!

Every year thousands of “Aussie” gambling addicts, alcoholics and debt-laden-molls converge on Flemington Racecourse to publicly display their unmanageable depravity.

And they do this because to not do so is “un-Australian”. Just ask John W Howard.

So last year Alcohol and related illnesses were the second largest killer of Australians after tobacco-related issues.
Problem gambling now effects more than 1 in 5 Australians in a negative way (by negative we mean little things like suicide, destroying families and child-abuse).

Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched this year for being "too much horse" for the race...

In 1989 when “The Recession we Had to Have” happened, Australians had an average of 46% household debt (as a percentage of disposable income).
In 2002 it was just a little over 120%.

And as for being a complete moll, well Baz Luhrman’s about to release his new private cocaine junket epic movie, Australia with “our” biggest ever freckly, redhead moll Nick-Hole Kidman starring.

So we hardly need the 30,000+ filthy, drunken molls who will surely turn up to Flemington tomorrow, not to mention countless office parties around the nation.

If the god of Abraham was around these days you would think he’d have to add Melbourne to list the list that  started with Sodom and Gomorrah.

We hope you like your salt, Melbourne.

BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched from this years Melbourne Cup to the enormous disappointment of punters.

After all his other excellent management decisions, economic experts were suprised to find that Bush's bail-out package actually made things worse...

Everything that George Walker Bush has done in his 8 years in office has been brilliant.

He has expertly managed the US economy, he’s got the Health Care system working flawlessly for every American, he’s declared a “War on Terror” that has made ever human on Earth safer and more secure from extremists, he’s invaded liberated 2 separate countries with perfectly planned and executed battle-plans, and generally expressed himself eloquently and articulately whenever making a public address.

So with all these achievements under his belt, when he announced a couple of weeks ago that he knew how to fix the growing economic crisis and all it would take was a trillion dollars, it’s not surprising that nearly every economic expert in the media started lining up to back his “rescue plan”.

Even our own Treasurer and Prime Minister were quick to say publicly that if the US congress didn’t pass the bail-out package, everything could go pear-shaped, which should give evry Australian the utmost confidence in the financial management of our fair nation.

The media was singing much the same tune, with self proclaimed “experts” like Channel 7’s David Koch (it’s pronounced how it’s read) telling the world that they knew what was best and what was best was George Walker Bush’s financial advice.

Our most consistently re-elected "financial expert" certainly had all the answers. That's why the economy's so good...

The shock of such “experts” when the market fell to pieces after the package was approved should be an indicator as to their level of expertise, wouldn’t you say?

It will also pay for Australians to note that in Europe and the UK at the moment, they’re re-publicising many of their financial institutions because the privatisation that occurred during the 90s is actually largely responsibly for the current market-collapse.

So, Australia, the next time somebody tells you that they’re a “financial expert” or (hypothetically) the “best financial manager Australia’s ever had”, it might actually be worth our while to ignore them.