The poor, attention deprived emos have to turn to cutting themselves because their parents are to busy to look at their MySpace pages...

Nobody could possibly understand the pain that emo cutters endure on a daily basis. Not you, not us, not Jebus.

Despite this, recently released figures show a sharp increase in the number of Australian girls aged between 13 and 19 who are admitted to hospital for “overdoses, slashed limbs and other forms of self-harm”.

So you’d have to assume that the actual suicide rate for the demographic would have gone up too, right? Well, no actually. The suicide rate has fallen in Australia for young girls every year for the last 10 years.

Head of Monash University’s Centre for Developmental Psychiatry, Bruce Tonge (piercing) told SMH that “Self harm is a cry for help, a communication where other communications have failed.”

Communication, people. For depressed a teenager whom nobody understands, that translates as MySpace.

Another victim (and perpetrator) of self-harm tries to grab the attention of her parents...

So when MySpace is down, or teenage girls are unable to customise their page into satisfactorily depressing (and unique) colours, society fails them and they turn to the razor.

Let’s face it, Australia, who’s going to read all the MySpace pages if we don’t have self-harming teenage emos doing it?

Not us, that’s for sure…

As you would have noticed on nearly every news service in the country, Google Street View launched in Australia this week and caused quite a stir.

Apparently, the Facebook-loving internet audience in Australia don’t have enough useless, novelty web applications to keep them away from getting their work done, so Google have released their Street View service in the interests of national procrastination.

Employers across the country will be jumping with joy as their payed staff switch between answering their mobile phones, SMS-ing, checking their email 35 times-an-hour, browsing through Facebook and now looking at the outside of their houses with Google Street View.

While many internet applications have clearly definable uses, Google Street View fills the niche of needing to see exactly what the outside of you or your friends’ houses look like.

Some say that in itself doesn’t justify the millions of dollars in development costs – not to mention the millions of dollars of wasted employee hours just using it – for an application that is essentially window-dressing to the already popular (and actual useful) Google Maps system.

But surveys taken by the MIKETRON University Research Labs* shows that 95 out of 100 Australian office workers would prefer for Google Street View to be available to them.

By contrast only 3 out of the 100 workers tested could give us a reason for using the application that didn’t involve looking at their house or their friends’ houses.

Google earned US$10.492 Billion in 2006 from it’s advertising wing. That’s ADVERTISING. They don’t make money out of Street View.

*MIKETRON University Research Labs is a non-existent subsidiary of MIKETRON University. Their ’scientific’ research is mainly based on the Old Testament.