After all his other excellent management decisions, economic experts were suprised to find that Bush's bail-out package actually made things worse...

Everything that George Walker Bush has done in his 8 years in office has been brilliant.

He has expertly managed the US economy, he’s got the Health Care system working flawlessly for every American, he’s declared a “War on Terror” that has made ever human on Earth safer and more secure from extremists, he’s invaded liberated 2 separate countries with perfectly planned and executed battle-plans, and generally expressed himself eloquently and articulately whenever making a public address.

So with all these achievements under his belt, when he announced a couple of weeks ago that he knew how to fix the growing economic crisis and all it would take was a trillion dollars, it’s not surprising that nearly every economic expert in the media started lining up to back his “rescue plan”.

Even our own Treasurer and Prime Minister were quick to say publicly that if the US congress didn’t pass the bail-out package, everything could go pear-shaped, which should give evry Australian the utmost confidence in the financial management of our fair nation.

The media was singing much the same tune, with self proclaimed “experts” like Channel 7’s David Koch (it’s pronounced how it’s read) telling the world that they knew what was best and what was best was George Walker Bush’s financial advice.

Our most consistently re-elected "financial expert" certainly had all the answers. That's why the economy's so good...

The shock of such “experts” when the market fell to pieces after the package was approved should be an indicator as to their level of expertise, wouldn’t you say?

It will also pay for Australians to note that in Europe and the UK at the moment, they’re re-publicising many of their financial institutions because the privatisation that occurred during the 90s is actually largely responsibly for the current market-collapse.

So, Australia, the next time somebody tells you that they’re a “financial expert” or (hypothetically) the “best financial manager Australia’s ever had”, it might actually be worth our while to ignore them.

The "smiling" Bali Bomber, Amrozi, came in second to Sonny Bill Williams because he "did something that no Aussie should do" and stopped playing Rugby League...

Charles Darwin was wrong.

Natural selection has been proven to be incorrect, once and for all.

The fact is, if evolutionary processes were at work that forced the extinction of weaker, less-adapted species, then there simply could not be an audience for magazines like “Zoo Weekly”.

And if you need further proof than our word (as if!), then take a look at the list of “50 most hated people in the world” that Zoo published this week.

The list includes numerous convicted paedophiles, rightfully despised celebrities and known mass-murderers.

Making the list at number 2 the “smiling” Bali Bomber, Amrozi, was hardly a surprise for a list in any right-wing Australian silicon pamphlet. These are the people who watch A Current Affair or Today/Tonight, remember…

So you, like us, may be just a little surprised to find out that the number one person on the People Zoo Weekly Hates The Most list is Sonny Bill Williams.

To explain, the decision, Zoo editor Paul Merrill told AAP that “Sonny Bill is someone who did something no Australian should do, he ditched his teammates and walked out… We’re calling him Money Bill Williams for scarpering off to another continent just for the cash.”

Some of the other, slightly more justified names on the "50 Most Hated" list...

While Sonny Bill seems to be a piece of crap for doing this, other famous Australians like Nicole Kidman, Baz Luhrmann, Hugh Jackman, Greg Norman, The Irwin Family, The Wiggles, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue, Jet and many more of our “best and brightest” seem to have done the exact same thing… And if we’re not mistaken, these people are talked about with “national pride” and “admiration” – even in toilet paper like Zoo Weekly.

Basically, if you tell people you “read” this magazine, we think its probably time you cut that out and demonstrated your support for Zoo by continuously slamming your head into a brick wall while you flick through the glossy pages and masterbate.

They’ll get the point…

Terri "longhorn" Irwin twists the arm of a newborn baby in memory of her husband, Steve...

Australia’s favourite American, Terri Irwin has lost a battle in the Queensland Land Court to stop Cape Alumina from mining bauxite on land that her family property company owns in FNQ.

Sorry, did we say that the family OWNS it? We meant to say that it was purchased by the family corporation, Silverback Properties, with $6.3 million donated by the Federal Government after the death of our greatest national hero ever, Terri’s crocodile molesting husband, Steve.

Steve Irwin was that chap who, like Keith Urban, was un-cared for by Australian audiences until we realised that the Americans thought he was fantastic, at which point we started calling him a “national hero” and lining up to agree with our cultural and military masters over what a fantastic and entertaining bloke he was.

Known as brilliant, scientifically minded conservationists, the Irwins have fought long and hard to keep indigenous people off land that can be “conserved” for raising cattle.

Cattle farming, you’ll remember, is the reason for about 60% of land clearing that has happened in North Queensland for the past 100 years and pretty much 100% of the reason for the species destroying soil-salinity that occurs all over the area.

The really funny thing here is that Cape Alumina, a land-raping mining organisation have carried out environmental and cultural impact studies for the last 3 years on the site. Any time a mining company wants to dig a big hole in the middle of a rain forest, people tend to make them prove they’ll be careful about it.

Terri Irwin's re-drawn Queensland map is a beautiful tribute to her late husband... The area in red will be the new fence "protecting" Terri's investment. The area in blue will be where all Queensland residents are forced to live in special Conservation Camps.

The Irwins, meanwhile, have not produced any environmental study for the massively expanded cattle farming operations that they have planned (including over 100KM of fencing). They probably just haven’t made the studies because they need to save money – money supplied for the project by our taxes.

Let’s face it, Steve was such a national hero and brilliant conservationist that we can all just believe his completely trustworthy widow when she says she will do everything ethically and honestly.

Like how honest she was about her off-shore tax scams last year and her well-thought-out analysis that Australia is being invaded by U.S. culture and terminolgy, which Terri believes is a tragedy for her beloved Aussie culture.

Terri was born in Oregon in the United States.

We here at MIKETRON think its time Australia just woke up to itself and handed Terri the keys to our entire continent and a blank cheque from the Government coffers.

Anyone who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars out of exploiting their child and dead husband can’t be morally questionable, can they?

Tamsyn Lewis loses miserably at the Olympics... But she's not a drug cheat...

Just 2 weeks after pre-emptively accusing the entire world of cheating against her, Australian track moll, Tamsyn Lewis has placed DEAD LAST in her qualifying heat at the Beijing Olympics.

It’s all a bit of a surprise, really. Oh, except for the fact that Tamsyn Loser has never won an individual medal in her life before this year’s Indoor Athletics Championships. Though you would be forgiven for thinking that she was an actual competitor because of the near-constant media attention she demands.

You may remember her from the highly public bitching with former team-mate Jana Pittman (another “champion” who has only ever won at the Commonwealth Games) a couple of years back.

Fortunately (for Tamsyn), Australia continues to fund her “training” at the Institute of Sport, even though she has never won anything decent and will NEVER pay back any of the costs. Costs which are derived from AUSTRALIAN TAX DOLLARS.

Tamsyn has had to defend herself numerous times before, including several appearances in Bikini-clad Pictorials for “Men’s Magazines” where she felt she needed to tell the public that the photo-shoots weren’t interfering with her training.

Tamsyn Loser poses in a Bikini... She's "doing the lady", as it were...

If you’re up for some hilarious reading, then check out this interview about Tamsyn’s brilliant career and make sure you keep reading until the bit where she talks about her “eating disorder” and her “social conscious” in dealing with “kids with eating disorders”. Freaking hilarious.

If that’s not funny enough for you, then check out her “official blog” where she tells you how great the Olympic Village is because it has “a maccas”.

Wow, 5000 years of Chinese history culminates in Australian bogans going to “maccas” in Beijing.

Tamsyn, we speak on behalf of Australian taxpayers everywhere when we say:
GIVE US OUR MONEY BACK, YOU LOSER.

QANTAS planes maintained in Malaysia are far more efficient and cost-effective...

So 3 years ago there was a bunch of hoo-ha over the fact that QANTAS was laying off piles of Australian maintenance technicians so they could outsource the jobs to Malaysia. The logic behind it was, as with everything else these days, to increase efficiency and profitability of the whole organisation and therefore increase share prices to make the mum-and-dad investors happy.

And it worked brilliantly. QANTAS shares went up steadily for 18 months after the maintenance was cheapened and moved overseas… And then their planes sort of stopped working properly.

Since the beginning of their troubles in mid 2007, the QANTAS share price is now sitting at what it was worth in the end of 2005. Now can you understand the insight, logic and acumen that QANTAS board-members had to restructure the company?

It only cost 10-20,000 Australian jobs to find out that the lower the quality of service and maintenance gets, the lower the share price gets. That’s pretty efficient. Just ask Australia’s “greatest financial manager ever”, John W. Howard.

And this brings us back to our good friend, NSW Premier / car salesman, Morris Iemma. The completely un-shonky looking Premier has been pushing to sell off NSW electricity supply and services to “increase efficiency and profitability” of the organisation.

NSW Premier Morris Iemma plans to make NSW Electricity more efficient and cost-effective

Mr Iemma says that the “gold plated” engineering used by the electricity company is unnecessary and costs too much, limiting the efficiency of the enterprise.

Now, according to the Premier’s, but if we replace “gold plated” engineering with “aluminium plated” engineering, we’ll have much cheaper fees, higher profits and an overall more “efficient” electricity service.

Or we might have constant blackouts and then pay taxes to bail-out the company that can’t carry out it’s contracts professionally like Sydney’s Cross City Tunnel or London’s outsourced electricity services in the 90s.

So your going to the Olympics. You’ve spent your whole life training, missing out on all the fun that other kids had growing up because you were concentrating on being the best of the best.
You’ve worked hard and risen up through the ranks to become a world class athlete, overcoming innumerable challenges and injuries along the way.
And then, a week before you actually set foot on the Olympic track, you publicly accuse all other competitors of being “drug cheats”… And not just because you’re going to lose.

You’re Tamsyn Lewis, Australia’s most bikini-modelling, catfight-publicising Institute of Sport product to ever come 7th in a race.

So just how the hell has the rest of the world gotten the idea that Australians are terrible sports and tend to take a little too seriously the things that other countries call GAMES.

For a country that spends very nearly as much on sport as it does on its military, we certainly know where the priorities are.

Just check out the table below showing the various Olympic team sizes as a proportion of their countries population:

As you can see, Australia takes the Olympics and sport more than 10 times as seriously as the Americans and more than 200 times as seriously as Indonesia.

And people call us backward…

In case you wanted to read or watch some actual news this week, you would have noticed that Sonny Bill Williams managed to outrage our entire country just by taking a job for more money in France.
And we have troops at war in two different countries.

Unfortunately for Rugby League and it’s enormous number of fans, these kinds of events tend to highlight the fact that the game is only played at a serious level in about twelve countries – and in Australia, it’s strongest base, it seldom pulls a quarter of the crowd that an AFL game does.

Any one who remembers the whole Superleague comedy that happened in 1997 would obviously be incredibly shocked at the impending doom that seems to be facing the sport… this week.

But then, Australia has been saddened by some terrible tragedies before. Remember Van Nguyen? Or maybe Nicole Kidman’s miscarriage?

But a wide, brown and sensitive land like ours can only take so much; and it seems that Sonny Bill is yet to realise just how much he’s hurt us.

If you have a look at the image to the right, you’ll see just how much of an effect the incident has had on Australian morale. And with the Olympics right around the corner, we can’t afford to let such serious and justified depression take hold.

If we don’t band together and rally in support of our national sport right now, it runs the risk of being played by even less people throughout the world than it currently is… which isn’t many.

And then we’d have to think of something else to do with our gang-rapists young athletes.