The beautiful and very un-lion-haired Deltra Goodrem has a sore throat... but not from sucking at all...

Suppose you were organising the Australian Grand Prix for 2009, the very race that starts the season, and you needed some top Australian “talent” to perform the National Anthem at the beginning of the race.

Luckily, a certain “star” of the Australian ARIA Award Industry Music Industry makes contact with you weeks before the event and offers her “oral services”. With so many things to organise, at least now you can relax about this particular part of the proceedings. In return you offer her and her “celebrity” partner $7000 worth of hospitality, accommodation and catering at the event.

Deltra's lion-hair performs for Mark Webber, who lost the race due to disappointment with Deltra's absence...

But then, at midday on the day of the race (with the anthem scheduled for 5PM), said “star” contacts you to let you know she has “laryngitis”, has lost her voice and can’t possibly sing the Anthem at the Grand Prix. Now you have 5 hours to find a replacement and the let the “multitude” of Delta Goodrem “fans” that she won’t be appearing.
How very professional.

Luckily, to assuage any criticism of her amazing lack of professionalism, Deltra hits the town later that night with a bunch of her “celebrity” friends, talking, dancing and drinking late into the night. All things which you would obviously do if you were “layed up in your hotel room with laryngitis”.

As if all this wasn’t un-Australian enough, Goodrem’s Irish “partner” still turned up to the Grand Prix to enjoy the “free” hospitality provided in exchange for Deltra singing (beautifully) the National Anthem.

Luckily though, no-one at the Grand Prix was mauled by Deltra’s hair this year…

PETA celebrities really know their stuff. Shown are some of the celebrity molls who think they know more than scientists or farmers...

South Korean manufacturing giant, Kukdong has joined a growing list of retailers and manufacturers who refuse to use Australian wool because the animal molestation rights group PETA use celebrities in their campaign against the practise of Mulesing.

So now the companies that believe celebrities and hysterical hippie activists over farmers and scientists are: Nike, Gap, Marks & Spence, Hugo Boss, Abercrombie & Fitch, Timberland, H&M, American Eagle, Columbia Sports Wear and Liz Claiborne.

PETA’s brilliant campaign website, http://www.savethesheep.com has all sorts of fabulous pictures pointing out the cruelty of the Australian wool industry for both it’s live-export trade as well as the mulesing business. Mulesing is the process which farmers use to protect their sheep from fly-strike, involving cutting folds of skin away from the sheeps bum-hole.

PETA says that mulesing is cruel. They even program celebrities, desperate to publicise themselves, to say the same thing.

Fly-strike is a problem with sheep in Australia where blowflies feed on the poo stuck to the sheeps bum, eventually causing a massive, open sore and infection which the flies also eat and lay their eggs in. A sheep can take 2-6 months to die an excruciating death from fly-strike, where their infected wounds basically become deeper and more infected until the animal slowly dies.

If you’d care to read through PETA’s brilliant and informative http://www.savethesheep.com website, you’ll notice it conspicuously avoids suggesting an alternative to mulesing, other than “breeding new types of sheep, increased monitoring and blowfly control”. Sounds pretty well thought out, right?

So rather than be cruel and cut the animals once with sharpened instruments, the “animal rights activists” would rather let Australian sheep die the incredibly painful and slow death that fly-strike causes.

It’s not like a bunch of hysterical, hippie activists to sensationalise a “struggle” without thinking it through or coming up with viable alternatives.

Mercedes Corby on the cover of Ralph (which means to vomit). No airbrushes were used in the making of Mercedes' beauty...

You remember Mercedes Corby, right? She’s the elegant, graceful sister of Australia’s former-favourite marijuana smuggler, Schapelle (who is, herself, very elegant and graceful). And now, her elegance and grace have been noticed and smeared all over the front of the tasteful gentleman’s magazine, Ralph.
Smeared, readers.

If you need a bit of reminding, Mercedes is the Corby moll young lady who fought desperately to expound her sister Schapelle’s innocence during her trial… mainly by yelling racist obscenities and whinging to the Australian press.

But that was before she started doing the rounds of paid interviews, benefiting from her sister’s incarceration in Bali for smuggling counterfeit boogie-boards.

Then her friend, Jodie Powers did an interview with the network that couldn’t pay the Corbys enough for interviews, revealing that they had all been heavily involved in the counterfeit boogie-board racket for years, even go so far as to produce pictures of Schapelle and Mercedes smoking the illicit boogie-boards.

Of course, the price fetched for counterfeit boogie-boards in Bali is a lot lower to the price you can get for them in Australia, raising questions about the intelligence of the Corby cartel. Questions which can be answered by simply spending a bit of time looking over the interviews and media footage of the eloquent Gold Coast family.

You can’t just become a hairdresser. It takes years to be qualified, otherwise you’d see heaps of teenage girls doing it.

The family home, Corbywood on the Gold Coast with a few spare counterfeit boogie boards lying around...

The Corbys family caravan home on the Gold Coast is a testament to the traditional, Aussie, boogie-board smuggling way of life.

The young (and beautiful) Corby sisters would play in the grounds of the caravan park estate, learning how to smuggle boogie-boards by practicing with their barbie dolls (whom they also practiced their hairdressing on).

After a few years, their proud parents were watching them grow up into BEAUTIFUL young boogie-board smugglers with enough grace and elegance to be on the cover of such prestigious publications as Ralph Magazine… And shows like Today / Tonight.

The undeniable beauty of the graceful Corby women. You just try denying it...

Baz Luhrmann uses the next 10 years of Australian film finance to create a display platform for Nicole Kidman's forehead...

Finally a film has been made that tells the real story of our wide, brown land.
Not many people really know about the Australian cowboys who all carried Winchester rifles and said “crikey” all day whilst being “mates” with the local Aborigines; or about the invasion of Darwin by 16 million Japanese fighter-planes (which were also bombers); or the fact that our REAL national anthem was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” until 1988.

Thankfully, Australia’s most prolific, creative and talented cocaine snorter director has been given $140 million to set the story straight on our fair nation once and for all, by making a “romantic epic” aimed squarely at American audiences who are staying away from it in droves.

Along with the $140 million for the BRILLIANT financial black-hole film, the Australian Government (in it’s infinite cinematic wisdom) has thrown Baz an extra $40 million to make a few ads for Tourism Australia.

Surprisingly, they’re exactly as crap as all of his films have been, selling a ridiculous, stereotypical version of Australia to people who don’t want to sit on a plane for 20 hours.

16 million Mitsubishi Zeros invading Darwin Harbour during Warld War II. All of this really happened...

Sorry, we meant to say they “invested” in our countries future with a “blue chip” stock named Baz Luhrmann, whose 3 films have grossed about $360 million worldwide… Now if that’s not justification for giving him nearly $200 million, we don’t know what is.

Oh wait, yes we do… Nicole Kidman’s in the film as well.
For those of you who don’t remember Our Nicole, she was married to Tom Cruise for a while and her films used to make money (when she was still a freckly redhead). Thankfully, though, over the last 10 years she has become the LEAST BANKABLE STAR in Hollywood, adding to the massive financial risk that this steaming pile of crap has become.

But then, Australians certainly love to gamble.

The best of Australia's Social Problems are on display at the Spring Carnival...

It’s that time of year again.

On the first Tuesday of every November, Australians make a point of demonstrating their love for gambling, drinking and increasing personal debt… Not to mention being complete molls.

Forget the financial crisis that has taken up our entire national media output for the past 3 weeks and stop all the talk about “learning lessons” from it!

Every year thousands of “Aussie” gambling addicts, alcoholics and debt-laden-molls converge on Flemington Racecourse to publicly display their unmanageable depravity.

And they do this because to not do so is “un-Australian”. Just ask John W Howard.

So last year Alcohol and related illnesses were the second largest killer of Australians after tobacco-related issues.
Problem gambling now effects more than 1 in 5 Australians in a negative way (by negative we mean little things like suicide, destroying families and child-abuse).

Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched this year for being "too much horse" for the race...

In 1989 when “The Recession we Had to Have” happened, Australians had an average of 46% household debt (as a percentage of disposable income).
In 2002 it was just a little over 120%.

And as for being a complete moll, well Baz Luhrman’s about to release his new private cocaine junket epic movie, Australia with “our” biggest ever freckly, redhead moll Nick-Hole Kidman starring.

So we hardly need the 30,000+ filthy, drunken molls who will surely turn up to Flemington tomorrow, not to mention countless office parties around the nation.

If the god of Abraham was around these days you would think he’d have to add Melbourne to list the list that  started with Sodom and Gomorrah.

We hope you like your salt, Melbourne.

BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched from this years Melbourne Cup to the enormous disappointment of punters.

Julie Bishop seeks the aid of Dan Brown in defending her chronic originality...

For the second time this month, deputy opposition leader Julie Bishop has apologized for plagiarism in her public communications.

This time it was for a chapter in a book that just happened to be lifted directly from a speech by New Zealand businessman Roger Kerr – 2 weeks ago it was in a speech to Parliament stolen straight out of the Wall Street Journal.

After apologising to the author of the original work, Ms Bishop made a public statement in which she said “sorry” to Australia.

But serious and scientific investigations into the speech at the MIKETRON Labs have made some startling discoveries…

It turns out that the word “sorry” was used earlier this year by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, and may-or-may-not have been used in a public address by Ben Cousins in an earlier public speech.

The birth of Julie Bishop was written about in great detail by Mary Shelley...

So it turns out even Ms Bishop’s apology was completely unoriginal, leaving us wondering if she doesn’t have some sort of mental defect caused by the poorly sourced human corpses that went into her initial creation.

A further investigation will now take place – mainly based on the work of Mary Shelley – to try to determine the initial composition of Ms Bishops abominable brain.

We’ll keep you posted on the results.

Our Nicole has always had a widescreen forehead... Even when everyone else's was just standard 3 x 4 letterbox...

People say that she’s not a natural widescreen and that she was born in standard 4 by 3 letterbox format…

But Australia knows that she would never lie to us (or sue anybody) and that her forehead is naturally 16 by 9 widescreen format, not to mention BEAUTIFUL.

By the way she OURS and you can’t have her.

Unless you pay money.

The poor, attention deprived emos have to turn to cutting themselves because their parents are to busy to look at their MySpace pages...

Nobody could possibly understand the pain that emo cutters endure on a daily basis. Not you, not us, not Jebus.

Despite this, recently released figures show a sharp increase in the number of Australian girls aged between 13 and 19 who are admitted to hospital for “overdoses, slashed limbs and other forms of self-harm”.

So you’d have to assume that the actual suicide rate for the demographic would have gone up too, right? Well, no actually. The suicide rate has fallen in Australia for young girls every year for the last 10 years.

Head of Monash University’s Centre for Developmental Psychiatry, Bruce Tonge (piercing) told SMH that “Self harm is a cry for help, a communication where other communications have failed.”

Communication, people. For depressed a teenager whom nobody understands, that translates as MySpace.

Another victim (and perpetrator) of self-harm tries to grab the attention of her parents...

So when MySpace is down, or teenage girls are unable to customise their page into satisfactorily depressing (and unique) colours, society fails them and they turn to the razor.

Let’s face it, Australia, who’s going to read all the MySpace pages if we don’t have self-harming teenage emos doing it?

Not us, that’s for sure…

The "smiling" Bali Bomber, Amrozi, came in second to Sonny Bill Williams because he "did something that no Aussie should do" and stopped playing Rugby League...

Charles Darwin was wrong.

Natural selection has been proven to be incorrect, once and for all.

The fact is, if evolutionary processes were at work that forced the extinction of weaker, less-adapted species, then there simply could not be an audience for magazines like “Zoo Weekly”.

And if you need further proof than our word (as if!), then take a look at the list of “50 most hated people in the world” that Zoo published this week.

The list includes numerous convicted paedophiles, rightfully despised celebrities and known mass-murderers.

Making the list at number 2 the “smiling” Bali Bomber, Amrozi, was hardly a surprise for a list in any right-wing Australian silicon pamphlet. These are the people who watch A Current Affair or Today/Tonight, remember…

So you, like us, may be just a little surprised to find out that the number one person on the People Zoo Weekly Hates The Most list is Sonny Bill Williams.

To explain, the decision, Zoo editor Paul Merrill told AAP that “Sonny Bill is someone who did something no Australian should do, he ditched his teammates and walked out… We’re calling him Money Bill Williams for scarpering off to another continent just for the cash.”

Some of the other, slightly more justified names on the "50 Most Hated" list...

While Sonny Bill seems to be a piece of crap for doing this, other famous Australians like Nicole Kidman, Baz Luhrmann, Hugh Jackman, Greg Norman, The Irwin Family, The Wiggles, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue, Jet and many more of our “best and brightest” seem to have done the exact same thing… And if we’re not mistaken, these people are talked about with “national pride” and “admiration” – even in toilet paper like Zoo Weekly.

Basically, if you tell people you “read” this magazine, we think its probably time you cut that out and demonstrated your support for Zoo by continuously slamming your head into a brick wall while you flick through the glossy pages and masterbate.

They’ll get the point…

The inaugural Liberal Party Turdball Fundraiser was a smashing success, with more than $50 billion burnt and laughed about...

The inaugural Liberal Party Turdball Fundraiser, which was held last night was a roaring success.
Set up to raise money for underprivileged millionaire politicians (Turdballs), the ball was attended by the A-list of Liberal Party pieces of shit… So it was very crowded.

During the course of the evening the “King and Queen of the Ball” announcement was highly anticipated, with prominent Liberal excreta lining up in their expensive frocks and fake tans, hoping to take out the crown.

As was expected though, the competition was rigged from the start thanks to the rather expensive palm-greasing performed in the proceeding weeks by the Member for Wentworth, who just happened to have a spare million or two lying around.

So it was no surprise that Malcolm Turdball was crowned Queen of the Turdball.

The announcement put to rest long-running speculation in the Australian Media Toilet about which piece of shit would eventually take out the coveted prize, with most media outlets speculating that the smirking turdball, Peter Costello would make a last minute run for the Crown.

But it wasn’t to be, as the former Treasurer cut into his make-up and Botox time by running around all week marketing his new book through the Australian Parliamentary System.

Brendan Nelson and Julie Bishop were dissapointed when they forgot their formal wear. But Julie always looks nice...

Another hot favourite had been the former Defense Minister and current Liberal Party Leader, Brendan “Sonic” Nelson, but after forgetting to wear his frock and turning up only in sneakers without even doing his hair, the nervous hedgehog was dismissed from the competition.

The real success of the night though was the amount of money raised for the underprivileged turdballs who are one of the least cared-for minority groups in Australia. The Ball managed to bring together more than $50 billion in donations which was immediately changed into hundreds and set fire to.

The Queen of the Ball then had a romantic waltz on the ashes of the money with her husband.