After all his other excellent management decisions, economic experts were suprised to find that Bush's bail-out package actually made things worse...

Everything that George Walker Bush has done in his 8 years in office has been brilliant.

He has expertly managed the US economy, he’s got the Health Care system working flawlessly for every American, he’s declared a “War on Terror” that has made ever human on Earth safer and more secure from extremists, he’s invaded liberated 2 separate countries with perfectly planned and executed battle-plans, and generally expressed himself eloquently and articulately whenever making a public address.

So with all these achievements under his belt, when he announced a couple of weeks ago that he knew how to fix the growing economic crisis and all it would take was a trillion dollars, it’s not surprising that nearly every economic expert in the media started lining up to back his “rescue plan”.

Even our own Treasurer and Prime Minister were quick to say publicly that if the US congress didn’t pass the bail-out package, everything could go pear-shaped, which should give evry Australian the utmost confidence in the financial management of our fair nation.

The media was singing much the same tune, with self proclaimed “experts” like Channel 7’s David Koch (it’s pronounced how it’s read) telling the world that they knew what was best and what was best was George Walker Bush’s financial advice.

Our most consistently re-elected "financial expert" certainly had all the answers. That's why the economy's so good...

The shock of such “experts” when the market fell to pieces after the package was approved should be an indicator as to their level of expertise, wouldn’t you say?

It will also pay for Australians to note that in Europe and the UK at the moment, they’re re-publicising many of their financial institutions because the privatisation that occurred during the 90s is actually largely responsibly for the current market-collapse.

So, Australia, the next time somebody tells you that they’re a “financial expert” or (hypothetically) the “best financial manager Australia’s ever had”, it might actually be worth our while to ignore them.

The inaugural Liberal Party Turdball Fundraiser was a smashing success, with more than $50 billion burnt and laughed about...

The inaugural Liberal Party Turdball Fundraiser, which was held last night was a roaring success.
Set up to raise money for underprivileged millionaire politicians (Turdballs), the ball was attended by the A-list of Liberal Party pieces of shit… So it was very crowded.

During the course of the evening the “King and Queen of the Ball” announcement was highly anticipated, with prominent Liberal excreta lining up in their expensive frocks and fake tans, hoping to take out the crown.

As was expected though, the competition was rigged from the start thanks to the rather expensive palm-greasing performed in the proceeding weeks by the Member for Wentworth, who just happened to have a spare million or two lying around.

So it was no surprise that Malcolm Turdball was crowned Queen of the Turdball.

The announcement put to rest long-running speculation in the Australian Media Toilet about which piece of shit would eventually take out the coveted prize, with most media outlets speculating that the smirking turdball, Peter Costello would make a last minute run for the Crown.

But it wasn’t to be, as the former Treasurer cut into his make-up and Botox time by running around all week marketing his new book through the Australian Parliamentary System.

Brendan Nelson and Julie Bishop were dissapointed when they forgot their formal wear. But Julie always looks nice...

Another hot favourite had been the former Defense Minister and current Liberal Party Leader, Brendan “Sonic” Nelson, but after forgetting to wear his frock and turning up only in sneakers without even doing his hair, the nervous hedgehog was dismissed from the competition.

The real success of the night though was the amount of money raised for the underprivileged turdballs who are one of the least cared-for minority groups in Australia. The Ball managed to bring together more than $50 billion in donations which was immediately changed into hundreds and set fire to.

The Queen of the Ball then had a romantic waltz on the ashes of the money with her husband.

Peter Costello uses Australian Parliamant and media to drum up interest in his book. David Hicks isn't allowed to...

So unless you haven’t seen the news in the last few weeks, Peter Costello is selling a book.

You can tell when an Australian politician is selling a book because they use our Political System and media outlets to drum up interest and potential sales revenue.

While some of you may think that sort of thing as corrupt, we’d just like to remind you about David Hicks.

He was the Australian citizen that was left in an illegal, foreign prison for 6 years before being told that when he finally did get out, he wouldn’t be allowed to make a single cent out of “telling his story”.

Tony Abbott takes of his clothes in support of Peter Costello at the annual Abbott & Costello Off for 2008...

This is because we have legislation in this country known as “Proceeds of Crime” where someone is not allowed to profit from criminal activity. Apparently in the Hicks case, this also includes crimes that don’t exist in Australia and didn’t exists in the U.S. when he allegedly committed them.

But if you’re an incompetent Australian Treasurer for 11 years, known for selling off most of our national assets and encouraging the population to mortgage themselves to the eyeballs, then you can sell your book and use uncertainty about your political career to drum up some free publicity.

Sorry, did we say free? We meant to say tax-payer-funded publicity.
That’s the same tax that has been paying Papa Smirk’s $300,000+ salary for the past 12 years.

You sure wouldn’t want to live in one of those corrupt countries!

Kevin Rudd aims to bring the nation into the 21st century... With prehistoric creationst fairy-tales...

Today on a Brisbane radio station, our country’s divinely appointed leader was asked to give his argument in favour of the existence of God.

The Prime Minister, as we have seen demonstrated many times, is a rather devout Christian who isn’t afraid to be seen kneeling in front of an altar or two. He gave the following response:

“As you know I’m a believer and I’ve never pretended not to be and I respect those who have no religious belief – it’s a free country…
For me, it’s ultimately the order of the cosmos or what I describe as the creation.
You can’t simply have, in my own judgment, creation simply being a random event because it is so inherently ordered, and the fact that the natural environment is being ordered where it can properly coexist over time.
If you were simply reducing that to mathematically probabilities I’ve got to say it probably wouldn’t have happened.
So I think there is an intelligent mind at work.”

Sounds like Jebus crap to us.

This is the guy who yesterday was telling the Australian Teachers Union to “move into the 21st Century” because their politics are so ANTIQUATED.

We’re pretty sure there’ll be a “summit” organised within a matter of hours that will be aimed at “securing the sustainable future” of Australian spiritual fantasy for the entirety of the Christian Afterlife.
Those of us able to read would notice that section 116 of the Australian Constitution reads as follows:

“The Commonwealth shall not make any law for establishing any religion, or for imposing any religious observance, or for prohibiting the free exercise of any religion, and no religious test shall be required as a qualification for any office or public trust under the Commonwealth.”

Sounds pretty much like a Christian, Creationist sentiment to us…

Recent results from the scientific wing of the “2020 summit” have come to light that represent the new direction of Australian scientific theory.

Shown above is a diagram of the Kevincentric Universe model. This is where all of the planets in the Solar System orbit around a divinely appointed creationist at the centre.

We did what we did before Cheney came to town...

For the second time in as many years, the Australian Government has decided to “further investigate” rapper Snoop Dogg’s criminal history before an upcoming tour. Last year the powers-that-were decided that having prior firearms-possession and drugs charges made the star “undesirable” in our fair land.

This was after the expert assessment of John W. Howard and, then Immigration Minister, Kevin Andrews. Those would be the same two chaps who approved Dick Cheney’s visitor visa 2 months prior to rejecting Snoop’s.

Oh, they would also be the same two men who actually changed the NSW gun laws in a late-night parliament sitting so that Cheney’s bodyguards could walk around our streets carrying concealed, fully-automatic weapons.

For those of you that don’t remember him, Dick Cheney is the former CEO of Halliburton, the US Vice President who has presided over two brilliantly executed annexations of other sovereign nations, as well as – lets not forget – the guy who shot his friend in the face on a hunting trip.

Snoop Dogg denied Australian visa due to previous criminal history...

Snoop Dogg, meanwhile is a point of contention among white-christian Australian politicians due to his lyrics, “gangster” persona and known marijuana advocacy.

What-on-earth would we do if our private-school children started turning out like this guy? I mean, really?

Where as, if our children turn out to be cardiomyopic, money-hungry war-mongers then we’ll have a bright future ahead of our country for a long time.

Maybe we could have Cheney blow Snoop away at the airport and just dismiss it as “necessary for the War of Terror”…

QANTAS planes maintained in Malaysia are far more efficient and cost-effective...

So 3 years ago there was a bunch of hoo-ha over the fact that QANTAS was laying off piles of Australian maintenance technicians so they could outsource the jobs to Malaysia. The logic behind it was, as with everything else these days, to increase efficiency and profitability of the whole organisation and therefore increase share prices to make the mum-and-dad investors happy.

And it worked brilliantly. QANTAS shares went up steadily for 18 months after the maintenance was cheapened and moved overseas… And then their planes sort of stopped working properly.

Since the beginning of their troubles in mid 2007, the QANTAS share price is now sitting at what it was worth in the end of 2005. Now can you understand the insight, logic and acumen that QANTAS board-members had to restructure the company?

It only cost 10-20,000 Australian jobs to find out that the lower the quality of service and maintenance gets, the lower the share price gets. That’s pretty efficient. Just ask Australia’s “greatest financial manager ever”, John W. Howard.

And this brings us back to our good friend, NSW Premier / car salesman, Morris Iemma. The completely un-shonky looking Premier has been pushing to sell off NSW electricity supply and services to “increase efficiency and profitability” of the organisation.

NSW Premier Morris Iemma plans to make NSW Electricity more efficient and cost-effective

Mr Iemma says that the “gold plated” engineering used by the electricity company is unnecessary and costs too much, limiting the efficiency of the enterprise.

Now, according to the Premier’s, but if we replace “gold plated” engineering with “aluminium plated” engineering, we’ll have much cheaper fees, higher profits and an overall more “efficient” electricity service.

Or we might have constant blackouts and then pay taxes to bail-out the company that can’t carry out it’s contracts professionally like Sydney’s Cross City Tunnel or London’s outsourced electricity services in the 90s.