A jockey blowing his horses brains out to win a race - its not cruel, he's just doing it so we can win money by betting on him...

Australian Jockeys are upset that people want to stop them from blowing out their horses’ brains in order to win races. For people so tiny, they sure love the animal cruelty!

New rules being bandied around the Aussie Horse Racing industry (see problem gambling for more info) would make it not as acceptable for the little tackers to use handguns on their horses in order to make them run faster.

“I don’t see the problem,” one Jockey told us in his high-pitched voice (he was too small to identify), “All we want to be allowed to do is blow out our horses’ brains in the crucial last few hundred metres of a race. But the Animal Rights people – who don’t understand that problem-gambling on horse races is part of our national culture – think its in some way cruel or something…”

Since institutionalised sports-gambling addiction is part of our Australian identity, the animal lovers will surely have to come around.
I mean, we breed these animals so we can be cruel to them (not that it’s cruel). If we didn’t breed them for having their brains blown out, they’d just be wasting their time living happily in their natural environment or something.

And you can’t gamble on that!

Kyle Sandilands has spoken about the non-consentual gorup-sex that turned him into a fat, talentless, never-was...

Kylie Sandilands has shocked the media by speaking out about his controversial group-sex with every single football player in Australia.
He says he didn’t like it and that it was non-consentual – but staff heard him bragging about it around the water cooler the day after the incident.
You can tell he ws asking for it, anyway…

The beautiful and very un-lion-haired Deltra Goodrem has a sore throat... but not from sucking at all...

Suppose you were organising the Australian Grand Prix for 2009, the very race that starts the season, and you needed some top Australian “talent” to perform the National Anthem at the beginning of the race.

Luckily, a certain “star” of the Australian ARIA Award Industry Music Industry makes contact with you weeks before the event and offers her “oral services”. With so many things to organise, at least now you can relax about this particular part of the proceedings. In return you offer her and her “celebrity” partner $7000 worth of hospitality, accommodation and catering at the event.

Deltra's lion-hair performs for Mark Webber, who lost the race due to disappointment with Deltra's absence...

But then, at midday on the day of the race (with the anthem scheduled for 5PM), said “star” contacts you to let you know she has “laryngitis”, has lost her voice and can’t possibly sing the Anthem at the Grand Prix. Now you have 5 hours to find a replacement and the let the “multitude” of Delta Goodrem “fans” that she won’t be appearing.
How very professional.

Luckily, to assuage any criticism of her amazing lack of professionalism, Deltra hits the town later that night with a bunch of her “celebrity” friends, talking, dancing and drinking late into the night. All things which you would obviously do if you were “layed up in your hotel room with laryngitis”.

As if all this wasn’t un-Australian enough, Goodrem’s Irish “partner” still turned up to the Grand Prix to enjoy the “free” hospitality provided in exchange for Deltra singing (beautifully) the National Anthem.

Luckily though, no-one at the Grand Prix was mauled by Deltra’s hair this year…

The "smiling" Bali Bomber, Amrozi, came in second to Sonny Bill Williams because he "did something that no Aussie should do" and stopped playing Rugby League...

Charles Darwin was wrong.

Natural selection has been proven to be incorrect, once and for all.

The fact is, if evolutionary processes were at work that forced the extinction of weaker, less-adapted species, then there simply could not be an audience for magazines like “Zoo Weekly”.

And if you need further proof than our word (as if!), then take a look at the list of “50 most hated people in the world” that Zoo published this week.

The list includes numerous convicted paedophiles, rightfully despised celebrities and known mass-murderers.

Making the list at number 2 the “smiling” Bali Bomber, Amrozi, was hardly a surprise for a list in any right-wing Australian silicon pamphlet. These are the people who watch A Current Affair or Today/Tonight, remember…

So you, like us, may be just a little surprised to find out that the number one person on the People Zoo Weekly Hates The Most list is Sonny Bill Williams.

To explain, the decision, Zoo editor Paul Merrill told AAP that “Sonny Bill is someone who did something no Australian should do, he ditched his teammates and walked out… We’re calling him Money Bill Williams for scarpering off to another continent just for the cash.”

Some of the other, slightly more justified names on the "50 Most Hated" list...

While Sonny Bill seems to be a piece of crap for doing this, other famous Australians like Nicole Kidman, Baz Luhrmann, Hugh Jackman, Greg Norman, The Irwin Family, The Wiggles, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue, Jet and many more of our “best and brightest” seem to have done the exact same thing… And if we’re not mistaken, these people are talked about with “national pride” and “admiration” – even in toilet paper like Zoo Weekly.

Basically, if you tell people you “read” this magazine, we think its probably time you cut that out and demonstrated your support for Zoo by continuously slamming your head into a brick wall while you flick through the glossy pages and masterbate.

They’ll get the point…

Tamsyn Lewis loses miserably at the Olympics... But she's not a drug cheat...

Just 2 weeks after pre-emptively accusing the entire world of cheating against her, Australian track moll, Tamsyn Lewis has placed DEAD LAST in her qualifying heat at the Beijing Olympics.

It’s all a bit of a surprise, really. Oh, except for the fact that Tamsyn Loser has never won an individual medal in her life before this year’s Indoor Athletics Championships. Though you would be forgiven for thinking that she was an actual competitor because of the near-constant media attention she demands.

You may remember her from the highly public bitching with former team-mate Jana Pittman (another “champion” who has only ever won at the Commonwealth Games) a couple of years back.

Fortunately (for Tamsyn), Australia continues to fund her “training” at the Institute of Sport, even though she has never won anything decent and will NEVER pay back any of the costs. Costs which are derived from AUSTRALIAN TAX DOLLARS.

Tamsyn has had to defend herself numerous times before, including several appearances in Bikini-clad Pictorials for “Men’s Magazines” where she felt she needed to tell the public that the photo-shoots weren’t interfering with her training.

Tamsyn Loser poses in a Bikini... She's "doing the lady", as it were...

If you’re up for some hilarious reading, then check out this interview about Tamsyn’s brilliant career and make sure you keep reading until the bit where she talks about her “eating disorder” and her “social conscious” in dealing with “kids with eating disorders”. Freaking hilarious.

If that’s not funny enough for you, then check out her “official blog” where she tells you how great the Olympic Village is because it has “a maccas”.

Wow, 5000 years of Chinese history culminates in Australian bogans going to “maccas” in Beijing.

Tamsyn, we speak on behalf of Australian taxpayers everywhere when we say:
GIVE US OUR MONEY BACK, YOU LOSER.

So your going to the Olympics. You’ve spent your whole life training, missing out on all the fun that other kids had growing up because you were concentrating on being the best of the best.
You’ve worked hard and risen up through the ranks to become a world class athlete, overcoming innumerable challenges and injuries along the way.
And then, a week before you actually set foot on the Olympic track, you publicly accuse all other competitors of being “drug cheats”… And not just because you’re going to lose.

You’re Tamsyn Lewis, Australia’s most bikini-modelling, catfight-publicising Institute of Sport product to ever come 7th in a race.

So just how the hell has the rest of the world gotten the idea that Australians are terrible sports and tend to take a little too seriously the things that other countries call GAMES.

For a country that spends very nearly as much on sport as it does on its military, we certainly know where the priorities are.

Just check out the table below showing the various Olympic team sizes as a proportion of their countries population:

As you can see, Australia takes the Olympics and sport more than 10 times as seriously as the Americans and more than 200 times as seriously as Indonesia.

And people call us backward…

In case you wanted to read or watch some actual news this week, you would have noticed that Sonny Bill Williams managed to outrage our entire country just by taking a job for more money in France.
And we have troops at war in two different countries.

Unfortunately for Rugby League and it’s enormous number of fans, these kinds of events tend to highlight the fact that the game is only played at a serious level in about twelve countries – and in Australia, it’s strongest base, it seldom pulls a quarter of the crowd that an AFL game does.

Any one who remembers the whole Superleague comedy that happened in 1997 would obviously be incredibly shocked at the impending doom that seems to be facing the sport… this week.

But then, Australia has been saddened by some terrible tragedies before. Remember Van Nguyen? Or maybe Nicole Kidman’s miscarriage?

But a wide, brown and sensitive land like ours can only take so much; and it seems that Sonny Bill is yet to realise just how much he’s hurt us.

If you have a look at the image to the right, you’ll see just how much of an effect the incident has had on Australian morale. And with the Olympics right around the corner, we can’t afford to let such serious and justified depression take hold.

If we don’t band together and rally in support of our national sport right now, it runs the risk of being played by even less people throughout the world than it currently is… which isn’t many.

And then we’d have to think of something else to do with our gang-rapists young athletes.