Russell Crowe and Terri Irwin have united to save the universe from peole who aren't as smart as them...

In a continuation of his brilliant scientific career, New Zealand actor Russell Crowe has told US chat-show host David Letterman that everyone should sign a petition to “save” some of terri Irwin’s real estate from the EVIL of a Queensland mining company.

The property under debate was bought by the Federal Government for $6.3 Million and GIVEN to the “Irwin Family Trust”, 2 years AFTER the company Cape Alumina was given permission to mine in the area. Cape Alumina have carried out 3 separate environmental impact studies – with another yest to be completed – on the effects of their proposed bauxite mine in the area now known as “Steve’s Place” to honour the deceased animal molester and national hero (of America).

While terri Irwin has been telling everyone (via the very crap http://www.savestevesplace.com), she has been getting quotes on putting up sever kilometres of electrified fence to keep the cattle she plans to run on the property in check.

So according to the very environmentally minded Terri:
Mining = bad
Cattle = good

Just have a look at some of Australia’s soil-salinity problems and waterway pollution as a result of cattle-farming.
She certainly loves the environment and not her wallet.

The beautiful and very un-lion-haired Deltra Goodrem has a sore throat... but not from sucking at all...

Suppose you were organising the Australian Grand Prix for 2009, the very race that starts the season, and you needed some top Australian “talent” to perform the National Anthem at the beginning of the race.

Luckily, a certain “star” of the Australian ARIA Award Industry Music Industry makes contact with you weeks before the event and offers her “oral services”. With so many things to organise, at least now you can relax about this particular part of the proceedings. In return you offer her and her “celebrity” partner $7000 worth of hospitality, accommodation and catering at the event.

Deltra's lion-hair performs for Mark Webber, who lost the race due to disappointment with Deltra's absence...

But then, at midday on the day of the race (with the anthem scheduled for 5PM), said “star” contacts you to let you know she has “laryngitis”, has lost her voice and can’t possibly sing the Anthem at the Grand Prix. Now you have 5 hours to find a replacement and the let the “multitude” of Delta Goodrem “fans” that she won’t be appearing.
How very professional.

Luckily, to assuage any criticism of her amazing lack of professionalism, Deltra hits the town later that night with a bunch of her “celebrity” friends, talking, dancing and drinking late into the night. All things which you would obviously do if you were “layed up in your hotel room with laryngitis”.

As if all this wasn’t un-Australian enough, Goodrem’s Irish “partner” still turned up to the Grand Prix to enjoy the “free” hospitality provided in exchange for Deltra singing (beautifully) the National Anthem.

Luckily though, no-one at the Grand Prix was mauled by Deltra’s hair this year…

Mercedes Corby on the cover of Ralph (which means to vomit). No airbrushes were used in the making of Mercedes' beauty...

You remember Mercedes Corby, right? She’s the elegant, graceful sister of Australia’s former-favourite marijuana smuggler, Schapelle (who is, herself, very elegant and graceful). And now, her elegance and grace have been noticed and smeared all over the front of the tasteful gentleman’s magazine, Ralph.
Smeared, readers.

If you need a bit of reminding, Mercedes is the Corby moll young lady who fought desperately to expound her sister Schapelle’s innocence during her trial… mainly by yelling racist obscenities and whinging to the Australian press.

But that was before she started doing the rounds of paid interviews, benefiting from her sister’s incarceration in Bali for smuggling counterfeit boogie-boards.

Then her friend, Jodie Powers did an interview with the network that couldn’t pay the Corbys enough for interviews, revealing that they had all been heavily involved in the counterfeit boogie-board racket for years, even go so far as to produce pictures of Schapelle and Mercedes smoking the illicit boogie-boards.

Of course, the price fetched for counterfeit boogie-boards in Bali is a lot lower to the price you can get for them in Australia, raising questions about the intelligence of the Corby cartel. Questions which can be answered by simply spending a bit of time looking over the interviews and media footage of the eloquent Gold Coast family.

You can’t just become a hairdresser. It takes years to be qualified, otherwise you’d see heaps of teenage girls doing it.

The family home, Corbywood on the Gold Coast with a few spare counterfeit boogie boards lying around...

The Corbys family caravan home on the Gold Coast is a testament to the traditional, Aussie, boogie-board smuggling way of life.

The young (and beautiful) Corby sisters would play in the grounds of the caravan park estate, learning how to smuggle boogie-boards by practicing with their barbie dolls (whom they also practiced their hairdressing on).

After a few years, their proud parents were watching them grow up into BEAUTIFUL young boogie-board smugglers with enough grace and elegance to be on the cover of such prestigious publications as Ralph Magazine… And shows like Today / Tonight.

The undeniable beauty of the graceful Corby women. You just try denying it...

The morbidly obese Australian is certainly not to blame for their massive, disgustingness. It was McDonalds that made them do it...

A recent study by UPI revealed that Australia is the fattest country in the world, prompting the Federal Government to run a huge advertising campaign educating Australians about the size of their arses under the banner of “National Health”. This is because obesity is bad for you.

So in order to stay nice and consistent in their public health message, the Federal Government has been asked by “health experts” to review the average seating capacity requirements for public buses – currently the seating requirement is for 65kg for an average person – the “experts” would like it revised up to 72kg per person because Australians are so disgustingly fat.

Remember that these averages are taking into account the fact that school children are a large percentage of any bus’s passengers, which (in any ordinary sized country) would bring the average down quite a bit. Unfortunately in Australia now, the average school child weighs more than 3000kg.

This is obviously not the child’s fault – and is CERTAINLY not the parents’ fault, it’s the malicious fast-food corporations that go around physically forcing food down these fatties’ mouths, as well as drugging them with “date-rape” drugs and filling up their stomachs while they’re unconscious.

The new Lard Bus that will be used for fatty transport without offending them at all... Joe Hockey didn't really say that - his mouth was full...

Whoever’s responsible, we can’t stress enough that it is NOT THE INDIVIDUAL WHO ATE TOO MUCH.

A recent, similar finding in the Canadian supreme court found that since the fatties weren’t responsible for their own fatness, they were entitled to an extra plane seat on all flights in Canada, free of charge, which seems to be the way that the politically-correct world is moving on this kind of thing.

So just to make everything clear:
-If you’re fat because you’ve eaten too much, it’s not your fault.
-The Government wants to stop us from being too fat with television-awareness campaigns because “health experts” told them its not healthy.
-”Health experts” want the government to increase seating allowances on public transport so it is better for fatties.
-People of average or less-than-average weight get nothing except more fatties taking up their room and breathing wheezing masses of their oxygen.

Have you got that?

Baz Luhrmann uses the next 10 years of Australian film finance to create a display platform for Nicole Kidman's forehead...

Finally a film has been made that tells the real story of our wide, brown land.
Not many people really know about the Australian cowboys who all carried Winchester rifles and said “crikey” all day whilst being “mates” with the local Aborigines; or about the invasion of Darwin by 16 million Japanese fighter-planes (which were also bombers); or the fact that our REAL national anthem was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” until 1988.

Thankfully, Australia’s most prolific, creative and talented cocaine snorter director has been given $140 million to set the story straight on our fair nation once and for all, by making a “romantic epic” aimed squarely at American audiences who are staying away from it in droves.

Along with the $140 million for the BRILLIANT financial black-hole film, the Australian Government (in it’s infinite cinematic wisdom) has thrown Baz an extra $40 million to make a few ads for Tourism Australia.

Surprisingly, they’re exactly as crap as all of his films have been, selling a ridiculous, stereotypical version of Australia to people who don’t want to sit on a plane for 20 hours.

16 million Mitsubishi Zeros invading Darwin Harbour during Warld War II. All of this really happened...

Sorry, we meant to say they “invested” in our countries future with a “blue chip” stock named Baz Luhrmann, whose 3 films have grossed about $360 million worldwide… Now if that’s not justification for giving him nearly $200 million, we don’t know what is.

Oh wait, yes we do… Nicole Kidman’s in the film as well.
For those of you who don’t remember Our Nicole, she was married to Tom Cruise for a while and her films used to make money (when she was still a freckly redhead). Thankfully, though, over the last 10 years she has become the LEAST BANKABLE STAR in Hollywood, adding to the massive financial risk that this steaming pile of crap has become.

But then, Australians certainly love to gamble.

The best of Australia's Social Problems are on display at the Spring Carnival...

It’s that time of year again.

On the first Tuesday of every November, Australians make a point of demonstrating their love for gambling, drinking and increasing personal debt… Not to mention being complete molls.

Forget the financial crisis that has taken up our entire national media output for the past 3 weeks and stop all the talk about “learning lessons” from it!

Every year thousands of “Aussie” gambling addicts, alcoholics and debt-laden-molls converge on Flemington Racecourse to publicly display their unmanageable depravity.

And they do this because to not do so is “un-Australian”. Just ask John W Howard.

So last year Alcohol and related illnesses were the second largest killer of Australians after tobacco-related issues.
Problem gambling now effects more than 1 in 5 Australians in a negative way (by negative we mean little things like suicide, destroying families and child-abuse).

Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched this year for being "too much horse" for the race...

In 1989 when “The Recession we Had to Have” happened, Australians had an average of 46% household debt (as a percentage of disposable income).
In 2002 it was just a little over 120%.

And as for being a complete moll, well Baz Luhrman’s about to release his new private cocaine junket epic movie, Australia with “our” biggest ever freckly, redhead moll Nick-Hole Kidman starring.

So we hardly need the 30,000+ filthy, drunken molls who will surely turn up to Flemington tomorrow, not to mention countless office parties around the nation.

If the god of Abraham was around these days you would think he’d have to add Melbourne to list the list that  started with Sodom and Gomorrah.

We hope you like your salt, Melbourne.

BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched from this years Melbourne Cup to the enormous disappointment of punters.

Julie Bishop seeks the aid of Dan Brown in defending her chronic originality...

For the second time this month, deputy opposition leader Julie Bishop has apologized for plagiarism in her public communications.

This time it was for a chapter in a book that just happened to be lifted directly from a speech by New Zealand businessman Roger Kerr – 2 weeks ago it was in a speech to Parliament stolen straight out of the Wall Street Journal.

After apologising to the author of the original work, Ms Bishop made a public statement in which she said “sorry” to Australia.

But serious and scientific investigations into the speech at the MIKETRON Labs have made some startling discoveries…

It turns out that the word “sorry” was used earlier this year by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, and may-or-may-not have been used in a public address by Ben Cousins in an earlier public speech.

The birth of Julie Bishop was written about in great detail by Mary Shelley...

So it turns out even Ms Bishop’s apology was completely unoriginal, leaving us wondering if she doesn’t have some sort of mental defect caused by the poorly sourced human corpses that went into her initial creation.

A further investigation will now take place – mainly based on the work of Mary Shelley – to try to determine the initial composition of Ms Bishops abominable brain.

We’ll keep you posted on the results.

Our Nicole has always had a widescreen forehead... Even when everyone else's was just standard 3 x 4 letterbox...

People say that she’s not a natural widescreen and that she was born in standard 4 by 3 letterbox format…

But Australia knows that she would never lie to us (or sue anybody) and that her forehead is naturally 16 by 9 widescreen format, not to mention BEAUTIFUL.

By the way she OURS and you can’t have her.

Unless you pay money.

The "smiling" Bali Bomber, Amrozi, came in second to Sonny Bill Williams because he "did something that no Aussie should do" and stopped playing Rugby League...

Charles Darwin was wrong.

Natural selection has been proven to be incorrect, once and for all.

The fact is, if evolutionary processes were at work that forced the extinction of weaker, less-adapted species, then there simply could not be an audience for magazines like “Zoo Weekly”.

And if you need further proof than our word (as if!), then take a look at the list of “50 most hated people in the world” that Zoo published this week.

The list includes numerous convicted paedophiles, rightfully despised celebrities and known mass-murderers.

Making the list at number 2 the “smiling” Bali Bomber, Amrozi, was hardly a surprise for a list in any right-wing Australian silicon pamphlet. These are the people who watch A Current Affair or Today/Tonight, remember…

So you, like us, may be just a little surprised to find out that the number one person on the People Zoo Weekly Hates The Most list is Sonny Bill Williams.

To explain, the decision, Zoo editor Paul Merrill told AAP that “Sonny Bill is someone who did something no Australian should do, he ditched his teammates and walked out… We’re calling him Money Bill Williams for scarpering off to another continent just for the cash.”

Some of the other, slightly more justified names on the "50 Most Hated" list...

While Sonny Bill seems to be a piece of crap for doing this, other famous Australians like Nicole Kidman, Baz Luhrmann, Hugh Jackman, Greg Norman, The Irwin Family, The Wiggles, AC/DC, Kylie Minogue, Jet and many more of our “best and brightest” seem to have done the exact same thing… And if we’re not mistaken, these people are talked about with “national pride” and “admiration” – even in toilet paper like Zoo Weekly.

Basically, if you tell people you “read” this magazine, we think its probably time you cut that out and demonstrated your support for Zoo by continuously slamming your head into a brick wall while you flick through the glossy pages and masterbate.

They’ll get the point…