What do you get when you mix a bunch of Hollywood ’stars’, a Kazakh director and the storyline from a Scottish comic book author? Apparently a steaming pile of crap.

If you enjoyed Timur Bekmambetov’s Russian blockbusters, Nightwatch and Daywatch, then this probably isn’t the film for you.

If you enjoy coherent, logical storylines and strong performances you might want to give this movie a miss too.

Actually, its probably best if you just don’t watch it at all… Especially if you’re conscious.

Bekmambetov, a native of Kazakhstan (but not related to Borat), has never directed a film in English before and, judging by the jumbled mess of a storyline in this movie, probably didn’t this time.

The plot revolves around a weasly, corporate nobody named, ironically, Wesley. Wesley is downtrodden by his domineering boss, his girlfriend’s rooting his best mate and he has no money or prospects.

But then Angelina Jolie shows up and – believe it or not – she doesn’t adopt him, but proceeds to save his life in a big, exciting, CGI-laden shootout and subsequent car-chase. She then tells him that his dad was secretly a member of a secret guild of secret assassins who call themselves ‘The Fraternity’.

The Fraternity believe that by killing specific individuals at specific times, they ‘maintain the balance’ of good-and-evil, or light-and-dark, or something equally brilliant.

The even-more-logical way that they choose their victims is by having their leader, played by a very tired-of-himself looking Morgan Freeman, read a binary code that appears in the weaving errors of cloth produced by a giant ‘Loom of Fate’. (we’re serious)

If this is all sounding lame to you, it’s because it is, and only becomes more so as the assassins train Wesley to become one of them.

There are a couple of ‘plot twists’ that make even less sense than the premise which we won’t divulge here, bust rest assured, we couldn’t spoil this movie for you more than the people who made it already have.

Some of the big digital whizz-bangery looks OK if you’re into that kind of thing, but a lot of it looks crappy and rushed. Once again, something that the Russians on the Nightwatch films pulled off more impressively with a far smaller budget.

On the whole this is a pretty tired looking film. All of the main actors look unconvinced and rather embarrassed by their parts in this mess.

If you really want to see it, probably best to wait for the DVD to get cheap…

Rating: 1.5 out of 5