A jockey blowing his horses brains out to win a race - its not cruel, he's just doing it so we can win money by betting on him...

Australian Jockeys are upset that people want to stop them from blowing out their horses’ brains in order to win races. For people so tiny, they sure love the animal cruelty!

New rules being bandied around the Aussie Horse Racing industry (see problem gambling for more info) would make it not as acceptable for the little tackers to use handguns on their horses in order to make them run faster.

“I don’t see the problem,” one Jockey told us in his high-pitched voice (he was too small to identify), “All we want to be allowed to do is blow out our horses’ brains in the crucial last few hundred metres of a race. But the Animal Rights people – who don’t understand that problem-gambling on horse races is part of our national culture – think its in some way cruel or something…”

Since institutionalised sports-gambling addiction is part of our Australian identity, the animal lovers will surely have to come around.
I mean, we breed these animals so we can be cruel to them (not that it’s cruel). If we didn’t breed them for having their brains blown out, they’d just be wasting their time living happily in their natural environment or something.

And you can’t gamble on that!

The best of Australia's Social Problems are on display at the Spring Carnival...

It’s that time of year again.

On the first Tuesday of every November, Australians make a point of demonstrating their love for gambling, drinking and increasing personal debt… Not to mention being complete molls.

Forget the financial crisis that has taken up our entire national media output for the past 3 weeks and stop all the talk about “learning lessons” from it!

Every year thousands of “Aussie” gambling addicts, alcoholics and debt-laden-molls converge on Flemington Racecourse to publicly display their unmanageable depravity.

And they do this because to not do so is “un-Australian”. Just ask John W Howard.

So last year Alcohol and related illnesses were the second largest killer of Australians after tobacco-related issues.
Problem gambling now effects more than 1 in 5 Australians in a negative way (by negative we mean little things like suicide, destroying families and child-abuse).

Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched this year for being "too much horse" for the race...

In 1989 when “The Recession we Had to Have” happened, Australians had an average of 46% household debt (as a percentage of disposable income).
In 2002 it was just a little over 120%.

And as for being a complete moll, well Baz Luhrman’s about to release his new private cocaine junket epic movie, Australia with “our” biggest ever freckly, redhead moll Nick-Hole Kidman starring.

So we hardly need the 30,000+ filthy, drunken molls who will surely turn up to Flemington tomorrow, not to mention countless office parties around the nation.

If the god of Abraham was around these days you would think he’d have to add Melbourne to list the list that  started with Sodom and Gomorrah.

We hope you like your salt, Melbourne.

BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Jessica Parker has been scratched from this years Melbourne Cup to the enormous disappointment of punters.